My heart hurts today.
I was like a nervous 18 year old away from home for the first time when I arrived in Madison, NJ. I'd had a horrible day of flying, almost missed my flights, bumpy rides, and then a dash from cabs to trains with 900lbs of luggage. By the time I was finally here at Drew, I was exhausted and cranky. My roommate Julie picked me up from the train station and as we pulled into my new home, I had that total panic of "what if this is all wrong."
Waiting in my apartment was Esquire. She was an orientation leader, and was staying with us for a few nights. She looked at me, said "you're not a hugger, I can tell. But I am." And she pulled me into that warm kind of hug that lets you know you are completely loved. She was my first look at what community should be. We stayed up and talked, Julie, Esquire, and I. We talked about how I'd come here, what I wanted to do, and very early on, we talked about why I'm fighting for ordination of gay clergy in the UMC church. It was the last point that sealed our friendship, I think. Esquire is a a gay woman who was so vibrantly called to a life of ministry and was rightfully frustrated that any church would try to invalidate her call.
I felt privileged to be her friend. Everyone loved Esquire, she had such a warm presence and open heart. She became my go-to person when I was frustrated or overwhelmed or just didn't understand why someone was being a jerk. She had wise words that tempered my quick emotions. She had amazing hugs.
Esquire died of a heart attack yesterday morning and I don't really know what to do with that. She is at the heart of this community for me. Her presence in the choir, in the back of my classes, or as an occasional third roommate helped make this my home. It just hurts so much.
Last night some of us had an impromptu gathering, I think just needing to be around other people who were going to miss her too. As we talked about memories, I think all of us remembered her incredible gift of music. Here's a video of her conducting the choir during SPECTRUM's (the LBGTQI caucus) chapel service. I can't watch it yet, but I hope that a few of y'all can be touched by her incredible gift.
My heart just hurts today.
